If you have arrived on this page, it is likely because you clicked through from the "Origins" page where I mentioned I landed a job at a coffee shop based on a comedy cover letter in my early 20s. Here it is:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I believe it is customary in cover letters to summarise the key skills and experience one has acquired in relation to the job applied for. I do not however wish to bombard you with an adjective-ridden paragraph the likes of which you have undoubtedly encountered many times and must now be tiring of. There shall be no mention of how I am a hard-working, punctual, charming, telekinetic, levitating, village-saving, drug-den-destroying and baddie-beating employee the likes of which riddle so many a CV. Likewise there shall be nothing said of my status as an "expert-lover, lion-tamer and astronaut commander" however true they may all be. Instead I shall let the following selection of real life testimony speak for me:

"How Rob managed to reproduce a perfect, latte-art version of Da Vinci's Last Supper is truly a work of divine mystery" - Archbishop of Canterbury

"Your coffee truly sings. Not since Pavarotti have I consumed such rich notes." - Charlotte Church

"I cannot work out what smells better - the coffee, or Rob. I can't wait to get him alone so I can..." - Anonymous Fan (Rest of letter too graphic to print. Contained a large lock of hair.)

"I sleep easier at night now I know my business is in Rob's hands" - Prized cow of nearby dairy farm

"Jony Ive could not design a better coffee." - Steve Jobs

"If Ivan Drago had swapped steroids for Rob's coffee, Rocky would be dead and we would have been spared the fifth film" - Peter Bradshaw, Guardian Film Critic

"It is rumoured that Rob served an entire morning rush hour with only two coffee beans. I was present and, being an expert on numbers, can safely disregard this rumour. He did it with one." - Carol Vorderman

"The coffee machine tires before Rob. I asked him to join us but he refused, saying he could dedicate himself only to understanding the bean." - Mo Farah, Olympic Athlete

"It was fabled that one day a man would emerge to lead us through the dark ages of instant coffee into a brave new world. It is said his wizardry with the bean shall bring peace in the middle east, put an end to famine and, most importantly of all, bring a stop to ITV2 reality TV programs. He shall come from distant lands (further North than Birmingham), shall bring obscene riches to the London coffee shop in which he works and he shall be known simply as Rob." - Ancient South American Fable

"Rob is a fool. He can make alright coffee though." - Matt, Rob's mate.

It does not however end there. Because, when I received an email from the manager asking if she could meet ‘the man behind the words’, rather than just say yes and thank the heavens, I decided to double down with yet another surreal short story:

Hey Ashley,

Monday at 3pm sounds great.

Regards,

Rob

P.S. I once met the man behind the words. He is a wonderful fellow if somewhat verbose. Due to his agoraphobia I arranged to meet him at Dictionary Manor but could not get past his famed Grammar Guards. First they insisted on a full stop but I only wished to stay the afternoon. Then they took issue with my manner of speaking. I informed them I'd sold Speaking Manor several years back and they'd have to talk to the current owners. The final straw came when they said I'd have to use a colon in front of them. Being a gentleman I only empty my vowels in a toilet. Outraged, on my return I went to see a mystic. He foresaw us talking. I told him I was not paying him good money to look up synonyms! He slapped me on the face, said he was the man behind the words and that he'd be waiting days for me. I simply replied he should not have hired Ikea to write his instructions.

Somehow, she still wanted to meet me. I went to the interview and I got the job.

The eagle-eyed among you may have noticed that this page was titled "Cover Letters" not "Cover Letter". This is because this was not the only one I sent out. I was desperate for a job, and so I had written a few of these for different industries. Here are some more if you fancy a laugh.

To Whom It May Concern:

Having seen "precision sharpened blades for sharpness and precision" written on the side of an electric razor box at the age of fifteen I have long suspected that I probably had what it takes to make it as a copywriter. This suspicion was then reconfirmed by an older, wiser, bumfluff-free version of myself when I happened upon a box of supermarket brand Weetabix with the tagline "Great tasting new square shape". Imagine my disappointment when I discovered they tasted far inferior to my usual wheat dodecahedrons.

When I was promised, "Washing machine's live longer with Calgon" it was the final straw. After supplying her with the supposed elixir of life the machine still showed no sign of animated, intelligent thought whatsoever. This greatly disappointed me as I had always quite fancied her, dreaming that one day we might go for a quick and economical 30 minute spin and, all things going well, could later turn the temperature up and have a long, steamy session with the white sheets.

Thus, my dreams of domestic bliss in tatters, I decided that something must be done. It was time for me to don my wordsmith cape, to enter the dangerous copywriting world, and to save humanity by making them buy loads of stuff. That and the fact that I would quite like some money for a nicer flat. Despite having never worked in an advertising agency in my life please read the following so you are aware of my superstar credentials:

• Without my committed push McDonald's would currently not be using "I'm Lovin' It" but instead "I really like it but you know I'm not into labels, we discussed this when we started, why can't we just keep this a casual thing?"
• I prompted an entire rethink at Volkswagon when I informed them that their current design philosophy of "Think tall" might be a problem with the rising popularity of multi-storey car parks. "Think small" was adopted shortly thereafter.
• Without my calming advice France Gerety's famous tagline "A diamond is forever" would have been "A diamond is forever unless your best friend is a tall, dashing, international lawyer and your wife is a cheating whore."
• Before my rousing Any Given Sunday style speech, Carlsberg's famous 'probably the best lager in the world' was an under confident "probably in the top 100 as long as we're not counting stouts".
• Ridley Scott almost went to the printers with "In space no-one can hear you try to file a tax return" before I informed him that sentence was just too scary.
• Before I stepped in, Rice Krispies only Snapped and Crackled.
• Finally, I warned Nike that "Just Do It" was rather more amicable than "Stop being a fat lazy fuck."

As you can see, throughout history I have been responsible for some truly monumental marketing decisions. At this point it should be fairly obvious that employing me is a guaranteed ticket to millions for the company coffers. If I have still failed to convince you, I have also attached my CV even though most CVs I have encountered are good for nothing except decorating the inside of a bin. But each to their own.

Here is a letter and the start of a CV that I sent to Channel 4 who were advertising for the position of "Press & Publicity Agent Specialising In Comedy & Entertainment". The letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

After a life misspent watching countless television programs and movies it is about time I got to work helping to promote the bloody things. As I am 23, this means I have sacrificed lots of sex, drugs and other fun and wholesome activities in my efforts to watch every single episode of Cheers/Seinfeld/Louie. If this isn't indicative of my passion for comedic television and hence the job you're advertising then I don't know what will convince you.

Maybe a cute kitten photo? They seem to be all the rage nowadays.

Yeah that's right. I'm blackmailing you with a starving kitten now. You don't want that on your conscious do you? Unless you have a soul rivaling that of Goebbels or Pol Pot that's surely secured me an interview but just in case your time sifting through CVs has deadened your emotional responses to a level not normally seen outside of seasoned war vets (the army has a real problem with renegade cannibal chefs) here is some real life testimony regarding my publicity and PR skills:

"Rob can produce more spin than Campbell, Mandelson and Blair at Blackpool Pleasure Beach riding on the teacups." - Ian Hislop

Due to his shameless promotion, viewing figures soared."- Paul Abbott, Creator of Shameless

"If Rob had been hired by BP we would have all been convinced that the ocean was in the wrong." - CEO of British Petroleum

And some threats/polite encouragement:

"If you don't hire Rob you're fired." - David Abraham, CEO of Channel 4

"If you don't hire Rob you're fired." - Alan Sugar (doesn't realise this is a C4 job, probably going senile)

"If you don't hire Rob you're fired." - Tony Soprano

As you can see if you don't hire me you'll be in more trouble than Eastern Ukraine. Or the Lib Dems 2015 election campaign. Or Louis Van Gaal. In which case you'll probably want to hire me to help sort your mess out.

And the overview from the CV:

A Brief Overview

I am a 23-year-old male, confident working under my own initiative and seeking employment as a 'Press & Publicity Assistant Specialising In Comedy & Entertainment' at Channel 4. "Great Scott!" you think, "it just so happens that as well as a flux capacitor I am also looking for a 'Press & Publicity Assistant Specialising In Comedy & Entertainment' to hire at Channel 4, it is almost as if this brief overview is tailored to me!" You would however be wrong, as I have hedged my bets by sending this exact same CV to all marine biologist and hand model positions on indeed.co.uk. So to all marine biologists, hand model agents and Channel 4 hiring managers please feast your eyes on my impressive work history where you shall find I am competent at making drinks and handing them to customers, a magnificent feat sure to go down in the annals of human achievement, just above climbing Everest and a mere smidgeon below the first lunar landing.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am currently looking for office work in London. I have yet to step foot in an office which is currently proving strenuous on the arms and shoulders. I have however developed the ability to identify a person by their shoes although I occasionaly mess up when Eddie Izzard visits.

I am very good at arranging meetings. This led to a recent article about me in Forbes magazine where I was hailed as the "Grandfather of Contemporary People and Furniture Placement in Corporate Environments". Choice quotes include:

"Rob's decision to place the head of the company at the head of the table was a bold and pioneering move that ushered in a new era of board meetings."

"Arranging people facing each other opposite a desk may seem commonplace today but was simply unheard of before Rob. They said it would never work. People had been conducting business lying face down on the floor for years, who was this young upstart thinking he knew better? The plummet in anti-inflammatory creams and subsequent rise in divorces (the excuse "I got this carpet burn during a meeting" would no longer cut the mustard) tells you all you need to know."

"The potted plant in the corner was a nice touch."

What's more, I am also adequate at finding a time and a date and a place for people to chat proving that sometimes, dear hiring manager, you really can find the staff. Normally it is located in Gandalf's hand.

I am familiar with Excel, Word and Powerpoint. It has proved a somewhat difficult romantic triangle to navigate. Excel is powerful but cold. Everyone is just a number to her. She often speaks of her hatred for Word but finds herself drawn to her regardless. Word is romantic but can be a bit of a blank page. She often has affairs with Powerpoint. Powerpoint is an attention whore. Like a terrorist he is very fond of bullets and keeping hostages for long periods of time. Like a Hollywood movie producer he often thinks fancy transitions and special effects will disguise a lack of content. I often think of abandoning the whole sordid affair for a more OpenOffice, but those never seem to work very well.

When it comes to answering telephones however, I have no match. This proves infuriating as I am unable to light my cigarette and take dramatic puffs inbetween lines.

If all of the above has not convinced you I am the perfect man for the job here is some real life testimony:

"When Rob types an email the sound could be mistaken for a lost Chopin nocturne." — Head of Philharmonic Orchestra

"I have not seen such filing prowess since we lost the keys to the handcuffs." — Marquis De Sade

"Rob taught me how to dance. Great guy." — David Brent

To Whom It May Concern:

I have never worked in a mobile phone shop so one would assume I lack the necessary experience. Fortunately there was an app for that so I am all up to speed.

Somebody once told me they'd like a HTC One. I said I'd quite like a HTC too. He said not a HTC Two, a HTC One M8. I said I've only just met you but I'm glad you feel so friendly towards me.

A man came in and asked what SIMs I had. I said Sims 3 but I mainly just play Rollercoaster Tycoon nowadays. He said "No, what sim cards have you got?" I told him I didn't know they'd done a trading card spin off but I'd check it out as I'd nearly finished my Pokemon collection. He made a strange noise and wiped his nose with his handkerchief then what he'd just said dawned on me. I said I don't have Pik-achu, but I'd be willing to trade.